Today Tomasz is discussing the cost of being sat focused on a job for so long everything else is forgotten. Meals, breaks, drinks, meetings, calls, texts, and people. All invisible to us once we hit the “zone”.
Author Archives: DJ-Daz
Neurodivergent TV
Have you been told that there’s a lot more autism now than ever before? Not true, we’re better at diagnosing people, and we are seeing themselves reflected in the media and are asking questions. They’re finally walking down the path to better understanding.
To be clear, these are TV shows and movies with neurodivergent characters or themes, even if not explicitly mentioned in the plot or the character. Some like House M.D. are subjective, I see Greg House as someone with high functioning Asperger’s syndrome. The Pitt features a doctor who is autistic and has a sister who is also on the spectrum. So while the show or movie isn’t about ASD specifically or a person on the spectrum, it will feature characters who are.
Thank you to Han Without Genes for a lot of input and an incredible website full of relevant information.
Anne of Green Gables
0088727
As We See It
12530128
Astrid – See Patience for the British version
6354632
Atypical
6315640
The Big Bang Theory
The Big Bang Theory
Boston Legal
0402711
The Bridge – For the British version, see The Tunnel
1733785
Dinosaur
31064044
Everything’s Gonna Be OKAY
8680006
Extraordinary Attorney Woo
20869502
Fisk
13353168
The Good Doctor
6470478
House M.D.
0412142
The IT Crowd
0487831
Lessons in Chemistry
13911628
Light of my Lion
33710504
Marsman
3396596
Modus
4600404
The Mothers of Penguins
32245065
Move To Heaven
11052470
Murderbot
30444310
Not Dead Yet
18250904
Patience – see Astrid for the Dutch version
31495377
The Pitt
31938062
ReGenesis
ReGenesis
Scorpion
3514324
The Tunnel – For the Swedish/Danish version see The Bridge
2711738
The Clinical Breakdown
There’s a new YouTuber, Thomasz (I think that’s how it’s spelled). He attempts to breakdown the neurodivergent condition, focusing on Autism.
In this video he explains how those of us lucky enough to be intelligent and self aware enough to see the differences in ourselves, can and will change to fit in. Though for me personally I ended up in the “uncanny valley” group, and was ostracized to an extreme. Masking only works to make others feel better about our presence, and does nothing to make us feel better.
His other videos: https://www.youtube.com/@TheClinicalBreakdown
Orion Kelly explains – signs of undiagnosed autism
There are plenty of signs, many can be missed or just ignored as a single thing that person does, but put them together, and they do add up quickly, you are possibly autistic too.
Autistic Elopement
Often as a child in infant and junior school, I would be so uncomfortable that I would leave school and walk home, on my own, without assistance. I’d just leave, I had to get out of there right now.
I did this many times. My mum would walk me to school, leave me in the hands of a teacher, and as soon as the teacher turned away, I’d be off. Often beating my mum home.
Needless to say I hated school with the passion and intensity of a thousand suns.
I did this throughout my entire schooling. From 5 to 16 years old.
It’s called elopement, or in our case, autistic elopement. Because we are so uncomfortable, so stressed or anxious, we have to leave immediately. I still do it today, and I’m now in my 50’s, though it’s not as dangerous for me today as it was 50 years ago.
If this is something you did, and to a degree, still do, I have to ask, have you been assessed for autism? Do you feel so awful in crowds that you have to go home now? Do you see a group of people and want to avoid them at all cost? Do you hate socialising, going to pubs/bars/clubs?
Orion Kelly explains some of the dangers.
Autism Inner Monologue
Most of us have this little voice inside our heads, giving advice, looking for answers to questions, but overall generally helping out, sometimes it’s really valuable advice and even intuitive.
Not with Autism, this little bugger never ever shuts up.
These videos will also explain the constant stream of thoughts that this voice is giving, some of it good, some great, some really bad. Sometimes it’s like Wormtongue.
A is for Alien
This is one sensation that I think we can all attest too. For neurotypicals, it may come as imposter syndrome, you start a new job, something you have never done before, it takes quite some time to get into and learn to do well. Imposter Syndrome kicks in at first, making you feel like you’re out of your depth, you should have chosen a different profession, or worse yet, you don’t belong there. Eventually it goes and you settle in.
It’s that last one that we feel, only it never goes away, even among friends and family it’s still there and still pervasive. It never leaves, it may wane now and again, but it’s claws are in deeper than just our DNA. Personally no matter the situation, I feel like I don’t belong, like I was dropped off at the wrong planet. I’ve worked several jobs over the years, and a couple I actually managed to stay in for several years, but once that “alien” clears it’s throat and start to sing grand opera, it’s time to leave.
The absolutely worse scenario is the social situation. Instead of the usual familiar faces that you have spent time getting used too, now it’s it’s also their partners, maybe it’s other departments too, and there’s you, can’t do small talk, you don’t know anybody that you absolutely don’t have to to function at work, and now it’s the office party, and you already feel like an outsider. I’ve been there a few times, I show my face then leave.
Personally I think it’s the most horrible feeling in the world, feeling like you don’t belong… anywhere. Like the mothership captain thought this looks like a good place. But it’s not a good place.
Or maybe this is my hell. Everyone else is fake and here to torment me for all eternity.
Conversation Tree
I guess not technically related to autism, but the size of the tree for us is huge. So you have a conversation with an autistic person, often our replies are considered and deliberate, and sometimes we may take time to answer, I know I’ve been called retarded enough to know, I’m not retarded, obviously, but I do often take my time, as do we all.
We will usually have 20-30 branches off the main conversation, branches and twigs, all considered, all of them tested first before we respond. As you can imagine this takes time. Then we respond.
In tense situations, as conversing with a crush (see Limerance) things can get incredibly fraught, this tree can then extend almost to infinity as we scramble for a good answer. I’ve done this so many times and we ended up looking like a complete idiot. I usually end up just grabbing any answer that sounds remotely interesting or funny, with many tangents to choose from, going deeper and deeper, I end up with an answer that is completely obscure to the listener, but not to me.
I’ve also noticed in the past that I steered conversations away from the topic to a topic that I would like to discuss, after enough failures I learned not to do this, so as a result I don’t do this any more.
Limerence 💔
Thanks to the way we focus, we tend to lean into Limerence. While there is no specific ratio of Limerence to Autism, we do have more instances than neuro-typicals.
So what is it, what does it feel like? Bear with me, I can only speak from the side of Limerence.
Technically, Limerence is an uncontrollable infatuation with deeply pervasive thoughts and irrational behaviour towards your crush. As I’ve said it several times before, think teenage crush and multiply it by 100. Even if the other person doesn’t feel the same about you, you still want to relentlessly pursue them and have them in your life. Even with their obvious faults, you will rationalise them into perfect counterpoints to your personality. Anything and everything they do and say will make you feel like they are the right person. They may be, but are you?
While the climb-down from this crush can be soul-destroying, it usually doesn’t take long, it all depends on how static they are in your life, and it can be mitigated by another LO (Limerent Object). If you for example, work with that person, and you both stay employed at the same place, it can take a long time to reduce, but if they or you leave it can fall off quite quickly. It can also come on incredibly quickly, a quick nonchalant 5 minute conversation with a total stranger can trigger it, completely out of the blue. Cupids arrow hit hard and hit true. I have to admit, Cupid is a demon with that bow.
Couple our desire for a relationship as a normal human being, with the loneliness of autism, our ability to focus and finally add in Limerence, and yes, you have a very intoxicating cocktail.
Limerence is not simply a crush, it is not simply deep love, though we do love and very deeply, it’s also not lust.
It can also be very disruptive, though rarely dangerous, it can lead to thoughts of inadequacy and depression. The work-life balance can also be disrupted leading to issues at work and at home. It can and does make you feel great, but it also holds a dark mirror up to you, showing you your own faults, which can be a very positive catalyst for change, but don’t assume those faults are all bad and must be destroyed, for us on the spectrum… it’s who we are. We cannot change that, that way lies madness.
Finding that balance when you’re deeply irrational is nigh on impossible. I personally have done it a couple of times, but it takes great resilience and you will end up feeling burnt out. Now, I just avoid the feelings once they start. It’s not the best technique, but it’s the only strategy I have.
Late Autism Diagnosis
Being late diagnosed myself, I feel able to talk about this. I was diagnosed earlier this year at the ripe age of 54. A very concerning age, as the average life span of an autistic male was 54 years. That’s according to an Australian survey. I have since found a UK survey that shows a better outcome for autistic people in the UK. But never the less, the quality of life is vastly reduced for all of us on the spectrum.
I was born in the 70’s, an flashy era of bell-bottom jeans, Disco, and long hair. I only had a few friends right through to adulthood, and only one at a time. I did terrible at school, I barely stayed in class for more than a few minutes before running home. There used to be a joke around my neighbourhood, who’d make it home first, me or my mum.
I would be 25 years old before autism and Asperger’s would be recognised by the DSM, and it would still be another 30 years before I was finally assessed and given the correct diagnosis. During this 30 year period I would suffer terrible depression, lost jobs, quit jobs, and absolutely no romantic involvement or friends. I realised early on the romance was impossible for me, I didn’t know it then, but I have limerance and rejection sensitivity dysphoria. This makes it impossible to have a relationship, even friendship can be challenging with RSD.
One day, I can’t remember when, but around 12 years ago I went to see my GP about depression again! We went through all the anti-depressants I’d tried, I explained that non worked, he the started asking me some personal questions for a few minutes. He then turned around and said, “Darron, you’re autistic”. Have you ever considered autism as a diagnosis?, I told him I didn’t even know what it was. He wanted to submit an application to be assessed, but I asked him to wait until I did some research on it… red flag anyone? Unfortunately that surgery closed soon after and that doctor moved to another area.
I changed GP surgery and started the process of being assessed. It would take a long time and pretty much everything I have to get there, I was rejected several times, and the process would take 6-12 months per attempt. It was down to a psychiatrist I had never met, and probably never met anyone I’ve ever met to constantly say no. During one of my serious bouts of depression I saw the mental health crisis team, I was in there for 5 minutes, I told them briefly my difficulties, friends, relationships, social anxiety etc, and they sent me away saying there’s nothing wrong with me, go read a book, How to talk to anyone, by Liel Lowndes. During this highly fraught, very stressful and deeply undermining experience I made a tiny amount of eye contact. And that was enough to refuse my application for an assessment. Even professional psychiatrists think we can’t make any eye contact at all. Therefore it’s a waste of time and resources to be tested. At best he needs to reevaluate his training, at worst he needs to be looking for another job serving burgers.
But eventually in 2024 the local health authority opened up to self-referral, I tried again, I filled in questionnaires, took phone calls, and waited nearly another year. The day finally came around, I had a 90 minute video call where we discussed my childhood and life to that point. I was asked if I had any questions, I asked one, “am I on the right path?”, the answer was an emphatic YES! Though we can’t diagnose without the observational assessment. That came three days later, and that was hard, it even surprised me at the things it brought up. So much so, when it was over I just wanted to get hammered. I didn’t, I just went home.
6 weeks later and I received the call, oh yes Darron, you are autistic. A further 6 weeks for the written report.
In the intervening time I hit the lowest point I’ve ever known in my life, but it also made me really want to understand myself more. So I started work on this dictionary. The terms and explanations for them have given me an understanding that an autism report can’t.
Late autism diagnosis can help people understand their difficulties in life, it can also crush them, I was in the middle ground.
Ironically I was able to work for most of my life, but that came at a cost, my mental health being one of those costs. But it’s thanks to my family more than anyone for the support I needed to get through it. My parents didn’t live long enough to find out why I was very different. They don’t know I’m autistic. Sadly though I’m now alone. I’m also 7 years into burnout. But for the first time in my life, I understand myself, my strategies for survival, my adaptations, and the cost they have on my mental health. I will never be whole, I never was, but now I know why.
I’ve met some other autistic people who don’t want to get assessed or are afraid to find out. Personally I’ve had it hard and I really really wanted to know no matter the cost.
What was your path to discovery?