Tag Archives: Limerence

Conversation Tree

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I guess not technically related to autism, but the size of the tree for us is huge. So you have a conversation with an autistic person, often our replies are considered and deliberate, and sometimes we may take time to answer, I know I’ve been called retarded enough to know, I’m not retarded, obviously, but I do often take my time, as do we all.

We will usually have 20-30 branches off the main conversation, branches and twigs, all considered, all of them tested first before we respond. As you can imagine this takes time. Then we respond.

In tense situations, as conversing with a crush (see Limerance) things can get incredibly fraught, this tree can then extend almost to infinity as we scramble for a good answer. I’ve done this so many times and we ended up looking like a complete idiot. I usually end up just grabbing any answer that sounds remotely interesting or funny, with many tangents to choose from, going deeper and deeper, I end up with an answer that is completely obscure to the listener, but not to me.

I’ve also noticed in the past that I steered conversations away from the topic to a topic that I would like to discuss, after enough failures I learned not to do this, so as a result I don’t do this any more.

Limerence 💔

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Thanks to the way we focus, we tend to lean into Limerence. While there is no specific ratio of Limerence to Autism, we do have more instances than neuro-typicals.

So what is it, what does it feel like? Bear with me, I can only speak from the side of Limerence.

Technically, Limerence is an uncontrollable infatuation with deeply pervasive thoughts and irrational behaviour towards your crush. As I’ve said it several times before, think teenage crush and multiply it by 100. Even if the other person doesn’t feel the same about you, you still want to relentlessly pursue them and have them in your life. Even with their obvious faults, you will rationalise them into perfect counterpoints to your personality. Anything and everything they do and say will make you feel like they are the right person. They may be, but are you?

While the climb-down from this crush can be soul-destroying, it usually doesn’t take long, it all depends on how static they are in your life, and it can be mitigated by another LO (Limerent Object). If you for example, work with that person, and you both stay employed at the same place, it can take a long time to reduce, but if they or you leave it can fall off quite quickly. It can also come on incredibly quickly, a quick nonchalant 5 minute conversation with a total stranger can trigger it, completely out of the blue. Cupids arrow hit hard and hit true. I have to admit, Cupid is a demon with that bow.

Couple our desire for a relationship as a normal human being, with the loneliness of autism, our ability to focus and finally add in Limerence, and yes, you have a very intoxicating cocktail.

Limerence is not simply a crush, it is not simply deep love, though we do love and very deeply, it’s also not lust.

It can also be very disruptive, though rarely dangerous, it can lead to thoughts of inadequacy and depression. The work-life balance can also be disrupted leading to issues at work and at home. It can and does make you feel great, but it also holds a dark mirror up to you, showing you your own faults, which can be a very positive catalyst for change, but don’t assume those faults are all bad and must be destroyed, for us on the spectrum… it’s who we are. We cannot change that, that way lies madness.

Finding that balance when you’re deeply irrational is nigh on impossible. I personally have done it a couple of times, but it takes great resilience and you will end up feeling burnt out. Now, I just avoid the feelings once they start. It’s not the best technique, but it’s the only strategy I have.