Most of us have this little voice inside our heads, giving advice, looking for answers to questions, but overall generally helping out, sometimes it’s really valuable advice and even intuitive.
Not with Autism, this little bugger never ever shuts up.
These videos will also explain the constant stream of thoughts that this voice is giving, some of it good, some great, some really bad. Sometimes it’s like Wormtongue.
This is one sensation that I think we can all attest too. For neurotypicals, it may come as imposter syndrome, you start a new job, something you have never done before, it takes quite some time to get into and learn to do well. Imposter Syndrome kicks in at first, making you feel like you’re out of your depth, you should have chosen a different profession, or worse yet, you don’t belong there. Eventually it goes and you settle in.
It’s that last one that we feel, only it never goes away, even among friends and family it’s still there and still pervasive. It never leaves, it may wane now and again, but it’s claws are in deeper than just our DNA. Personally no matter the situation, I feel like I don’t belong, like I was dropped off at the wrong planet. I’ve worked several jobs over the years, and a couple I actually managed to stay in for several years, but once that “alien” clears it’s throat and start to sing grand opera, it’s time to leave.
The absolutely worse scenario is the social situation. Instead of the usual familiar faces that you have spent time getting used too, now it’s it’s also their partners, maybe it’s other departments too, and there’s you, can’t do small talk, you don’t know anybody that you absolutely don’t have to to function at work, and now it’s the office party, and you already feel like an outsider. I’ve been there a few times, I show my face then leave.
Personally I think it’s the most horrible feeling in the world, feeling like you don’t belong… anywhere. Like the mothership captain thought this looks like a good place. But it’s not a good place.
Or maybe this is my hell. Everyone else is fake and here to torment me for all eternity.
I guess not technically related to autism, but the size of the tree for us is huge. So you have a conversation with an autistic person, often our replies are considered and deliberate, and sometimes we may take time to answer, I know I’ve been called retarded enough to know, I’m not retarded, obviously, but I do often take my time, as do we all.
We will usually have 20-30 branches off the main conversation, branches and twigs, all considered, all of them tested first before we respond. As you can imagine this takes time. Then we respond.
In tense situations, as conversing with a crush (see Limerance) things can get incredibly fraught, this tree can then extend almost to infinity as we scramble for a good answer. I’ve done this so many times and we ended up looking like a complete idiot. I usually end up just grabbing any answer that sounds remotely interesting or funny, with many tangents to choose from, going deeper and deeper, I end up with an answer that is completely obscure to the listener, but not to me.
I’ve also noticed in the past that I steered conversations away from the topic to a topic that I would like to discuss, after enough failures I learned not to do this, so as a result I don’t do this any more.
